I always pride myself on the ability to put things together. To create objects from wood and other buildable products. When I was 24 and bought my first cottage I created a masterpeice of a cupboard along the side of a wall of my then bedroom. It was to enclose the hot water boiler which otherwise stuck out like a sore thumb and also to provide some much needed hanging space. So off I went to the local building place - picked up various sized pine planks and cladding and set to work joining wood with wood using half lap joints and miracles. It was my baby - I worked on that sucker for 40 days and 40 nights and finally there it was.

A wall-long cupboard with shelves, hanging space and an enclosed hot water tank. A vision in pine.

Putting up an IKEA bed, one would think, would be a piece of cake...

Why then at 3:30am Sunday morning did the damn thing decide to collapse spectacularly in a single devastating blast. With me in it.

One minute, there I was snoozing quite happily in the land of nod, dreaming of Kate Winslet and Kate Hudson mud wrestling over me (actually I made that up - but I dream of having that dream) when all of a sudden there was crash and I dropped down two feet as the central beam of my bed gave out and the wooden slats collapsed. Then the headboard fell backward and the footboard forward...

And I woke up in a sea of devastation... a little dazed and VERY confused ...wood everywhere and me in the middle. I searched for survivors...but it seems that I was the only unbreakable object there. I felt like Bruce Willis.

I found the culprit - A badly attached beam support.

AND AS ANY SANE PERSON KNOWS - YOU SIMPLY CANNOT ATTACH A BEAM SUPPORT BADLY

Unless, apparantly, you are me.

My punishment? Having to spend 3 hours waiting at IKEA's service � la client�le on a Sunday. With the rest of Montr�al. And the city's screaming children.

Although I did find a lovely bath mat.

So...for all your carpentry needs, email Procrasto at......

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