How to make a procrasto
Ingredients:
5 parts competetiveness
5 parts brilliance
3 parts leadership
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add fitness to taste! Do not overindulge!

28 January 2005 - 10:37

"A super hero for the kids in the bottles..."

The one about my jetset lifestyle.

Mon dieu, it's been a long time since I updated this here diarylandy thing. I guess i haven't had any highs and lows to speak of, and although I swore I would not mention the weather, the constant -30 and over (with windchill) is pretty uninspiring.

Capiche?

To add slightly to that, the heating design in my condo was clearly drafted by a South Polynesian who's concept of winter is a balmy and possibly breezy 25 degrees. So me et La Belle Ginge spend our evenings poking at the fire, screaming at it to get hotter and flamier, and covered in a full down duvet and chenille blanket, with a fleece blanket as backup. The cat has even taken up shagging the stuffed "Sylvester" we on at "La Ronde" amusement park to keep himself warm...

Anyhoo.

To mix it up a little and to add a little spice to the frigidness of it all, I decided to join the realms of the 'jetset' community by flying to and from Hogtown (that's Toronto) yesterday. For a bizniss presentation. Not quite as 'Forbes' or 'Trump' as my own private helicopter from a cruiseship to the opera, and not quite as 'Branson' as a hot air balloon across the Atlantic but I still got into two aeroplanes yesterday for a two-hour presentation. HOW MANY DID YOU GET IN?? HUH??

I thought not.

So I get into my *grumble* non-business class seat *grumble* and we trundle off towards the area where they clean the ice from the wings (see above) when the plane slows to a stop. And there is silence. Except for the annoying musak that gets played in the cabin during such times. You know the one, it's some kind of keyboard driven thing which goes... "doo do do doo do do doo do do dooo, doo do do doo do do doooooo", keeps the same melody, and just changes key, ad nauseum... so after about a half an hour, nos capitain announces over the radio that there is a small problem with engine 2, and that a skilled technician is giving it the once over to make sure that we won't die horribly mid flight, by crashlanding in Eastern Ontario with only ourselves to eat, (the remaining three muffins that were carried on board would be obliterated during the hellacious crash) I tried to look out the window to catch a glimpse of Pepper Lafleur knocking seven shades of sh*te out of engine two with an oversized wrench, all the while sreaming "WHY WON'T YOU WORK!", but nothing... we were after a further 15 minutes informed that we were good to go...

A few observations thereafter:

It's really not that much of a surprise that airline staff can get grumpy when people can be such overtly ignorant assholes....

...cell phones. People seem to INSIST that they speak on their cell phone during landing, taking off and at all times inappropriate during the flight EVEN AFTER clear and concise instructions not to, and especially after a veery reasonable explanation as to why not...

...when the fasten your seatbelt sign comes on, someone ALWAYS decides that's the ONLY time to go take a leak in the washroom, prompting the mandatory "Passengers are reminded that when the "fasten your seatbelt" sign is illuminated...." message.

...When it comes to landing, there are three things to do: fasten your seatbelt, pull your seat into the upright position and lift the trays. WHY DON'T PEOPLE DO THAT?? A Woman who was reading notes or whatever next to me had to be asked 3 times to do this...

...and finally...

When we land, the crew always welcomes you to the airport, and asks that you remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until the 'plane has come to a complete stop and the sign has been switched off. Why then do people, at the first sight of the gate, decide to leap out of their seats and grab their stuff from the overheads while the plane is in motion? Don't people realise that they WON'T get off any quicker? I always marvel at the mass clicking of 75% of the seatbelts being unbuckled. Yesterday, as we landed back in Montr�al, the captain did wonderfully. We coasted into the gate, and as people were grabbing for their things, he applied the brakes with more vigour than usual, sending those stood up hurtling forward, domino fashion. In a final hurrah, as people picked themselves up, he switched off the "fasten your seatbelts" sign.

Class.

I think I like the jetset lifestyle. I would perhaps prefer the private jet or helicopter, and a speed boat for the summer. Or maybe...um... some kind of 'transporter', like on Star Trek (<--- note that I don't know the name, I am NOT a nerd)... but there's something to be said for people wathing in the airport. Watching people fall asleep on 'planes is fun too. They get all open mouthed and drooly.

Or maybe that's just me.

Oh, and the presentation was very well received. I have been invited to do it all again in two weeks.

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