How to make a procrasto
Ingredients:
5 parts competetiveness
5 parts brilliance
3 parts leadership
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add fitness to taste! Do not overindulge!

08 November 2004 - 10:07

"A super hero for the kids in the bottles..."

The one about my own self centeredness

I sometimes let things slip. Let them slide, and normally so subtly that I don't notice at first. For the last month and a half, I was so totally emmersed in the Rocky Horror Show that I let a number of things slide. My general attentiveness towards my Jen for example.

We had been together for a year on October 29. I knew I had to go to Ottawa that day and had planned to make the full celebration of the occasion the following weekend, when we had planned to go up to romantic old Quebec City for a getaway. But that morning she woke me up, as she aways does, with a kiss and an "I love you". And a card with a beautiful message of love and hope. I kissed her back and she left for work.

I tried to justify to myself not having a card or a little something for her on that day, safe in the knowledge that we were to whisk ourselves tothe formal celebration the following week. But I realised that wasn't the point. For whatever reason, I hadn't gotten off my lazy arse to go pick up a little something to tell her I care. To tell her I care enough. And for that I feel horrible. And I knew it at the time, because in a vain attempt to regain some credibility, I scattered notes throughout the house for when she got home. But seriously? How transparent was that? She had a terrible day last week and so I stopped to pick her up some flowers and movie tickets but right now it all feels so shallow. It's so reactive. So non-proactive...

Even this weekend we did everything together, I took her out to breakfast and we did all the domestic things that people do together on a Saturday; the groceries, the housework, went to a movie, watched DVD's... but then again last night, after we got in from seeing "Shaun of the Dead", she suggested that she start making dinner. I asked if there was anything I could do, and she knew instinctively that what that really meant was "Can I go play FIFA 2004" and so she told me to go ahead. Which I did. And I know she falsely justified it as something that she loves doing. Perhaps it would have been better to finish off the great weekend by spending those precious moments with her, chatting about whatever. But I didn't even do that. All the great things we did together wiped away by my own selfishness.

I am crazy about this girl. Never be in doubt about that. But telling her isn't enough. And this isn't even about proof. I want to show her every day. I want to show her that we're a team and that we're not as lopsided as we have been. That while she has been carrying some of my load, I can do the same for her. I will do the same. And we'll walk through everything together...

It's just that right now I feel so self centered, I want to kick myself hard.

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