|
21 September 2004 - 13:50 5:22am Customary purring of cat beside me 5:23am First object to hit the floor - cat does this when I don't respond to him standing over me... One solitary finger points at cat as he is told, less politely, to please leave the sleeping area. Moments of blissful quiet. 5:37am Foot accidentaly slips out from the duvet. Spotted by cat. 5:38am Wake up to my own sreams of pain and anguish as cat has attached self to foot using only claws and teeth. Shaking foot appears not to work in the ridding of the beast. Must lean up and forceably remove psychotic maniac. Large "Miaow" as cat is thrown across room. Cat lands on wood floor and slides into wall. Stares back with one eyebrow raised. "THAT'S all you have?" 5:37am Sleeping with one eye open, I hear the beast pitapat out of the bedroom grumbling to self... 6:16am Awoken by almighty crash. Cat has re-entered room, climbed the ironing board and wrestled waterfilled iron to the floor. Cat stands victorious atop ironing board, looking down at the devastation. He is proud. He has done well. I reach for nearest object I can find (empty Axe deoderant can) and throw at cat. Beast is evasive. I am a bad shot. I miss. Hit mirror. Create crack. Beast looks back with one eyebrow raised. Get up. Go grab cat. Falsely threaten to string him from the balcony. Replace Iron. Notice large indent on floor from iron falling. Curse under breath. 6:17am Cat sits on window sill chirping and yakking at birds. That I can deal with. Non destructive feline behaviour in effect. 6:20am Alarm goes off, playing Avril Lavigne's somewhat ironicaly titled "Happy Ending", at 379 decibels sending seemingly peaceful kitty into mad frenzy. Furry mammal throws self on duvet and thrashes like feeding frenzied shark at the other 'invisible cat'. Reach over and hit snooze. Cat knaws slowly at foot under duvet. 6:28am Cat has decided to sit on my head and bite at my hair. I let him. It's a little like a psychotic head massage. 6:29am Alarm goes off, playing Matchbox 20's "Bright Lights" at 379 decibels, sending cat (still on head) into a whirling clawing frenzy. Falls down behind headboard. Then tries to climb back up the way he fell. looking through like a jailed convict protesting his innocence. He starts to yowl. Realises all he had to do was walk out from undre the bed. Looks ashamed. Rightfuly so. Hit snooze. 6:38am Alarm goes off, playing Maroon 5, at 379 decibels. Cat no-where to be seen. Jen - miraculously - hasn't woken up through this... she sleeps on... I hit snooze. 6:47am Alarm goes off, playing Beyonce Knowles' "Crazy in Love", at 379 decibels. Still no cat. Sense cat's presence. Swing head down to check under bead. He has been waiting. Paw bats side of head causing me to jerk backwards and sideways, hitting head first of wooden bed baseboard then bedside cabinet. I curse out loud. Cat skulks into the shadows. He is pleased. This went off better than expected. Decide it's time to get up. 6:48am Get up. Stumble through to bathroom for morning pee. Which, by the way, is the foamiest pee of the day. Enter bathroom. Bathroom floor is soaking. Cat appears. He looks pleased. He has done well. Amphib-cat has, at some point through the night, splashed toilet water, or eau de toilette, everywhere and left. I close toilet lid and cover wetness with towel. Must shower. Cat also decides to shower. Cat ejected from Shower in mass of fur, water and claws. 6:55am Shower complete. Cat decides to lick wet legs. Makes me giggle like a girl. Cat amuses self with self. 7:15am Shaving, tooth brushing etc complete. In the 4 steps it takes from bathroom to bedroom, I am attacked 4 times. Once with each planting of the foot. 7:30am Go downstairs to feed beast. Wonder to self whether feeding his psychosis is a good thing. He is contented. He purrs. ... and so goes on my normal morning routine. It's like freaking groundhog day.
   My life is rated NC-17. What is your life rated? |
