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13 August 2003 - 13:29 I am concerned. My recent behaviour has become somewhat out of control. I know I wrote a very brief entry a while back about a change of lifestyle... which involved a little less indulgence... and for a while it was good. But recently - and this last week in particular, I have gone beyond my normal barriers in terms of my own self control. Which concerns me. It's not that I don't party - I do. And when I party, I party hard. But this goes beyond that... I can feel this lack of control spreading like some virus and affecting other areas of my psyche and immediate environment. It's affecting my work. It's affecting my thought process. It's affecting my relationships. So please indulge me while I go on a Freudian mission to find the root of this outburst... I am generally a very positive person. My thought process has, and needs to continue to be, one where I play devils advocate against myself, thus giving myself the most rounded view I can of whatever situation I am trying to decipher. I find myself getting strangely cynical and jaded. This is not good. I have been drinking FAR too much lately. More than I am absolutely supposed or used to. There has to be a reason why... Pressures? I dunno. My brother is getting married. I am his best man. This is a great thing? Right? Right. My own marriage fell to pieces a while back. She continues to be very difficult... Perhaps I don't feel too qualified to be his best man. Yet I am unbelievably proud to be. I am forced to give out a LOT of cash every month so that she may live the life of a kept woman while I work 10 hour days, with no effort of self-supporting. Bitter? No. Well perhaps sometimes. This breakup (which I initiated through sheer stupidity - I am no angel) opened up a can of worms in terms of what our marriage was. We broke up once before. She then told me she was pregnant. We got back together. She "lost" the baby... When we finally did break up, she told me that she had never been pregnant. Had I known this at the time, would we ever have gotten married? Probably not. So I am I bitter? No. Resentful? No. Jaded? Maybe a little. Does it bother me when she starts claiming "victim" status? Definitely. Back to the working 10 hours a day. I recently was seconded out of my old job. which I adored into a new, allegedly "exciting" role in a "strategic project"... Good career move? Should have been. Had I been working for and with some kind of direction. Now I am most definitely not elitist - but I was moved from my lovely Grade 7 closed office space to a windowless, airless, natural lightless space, where I see nobody and I am thrown scraps of work which are then thrown out and never used. It's frustrating. Damn frustrating. I have no passion for this kind of individual lone work. My passion is in human interaction. In the education process. In people. Good career move? I am wondering. Can I risk giving up this? Not Really. I am buying and moving into my new condo September. I can't afford to take a pay cut. This company has me by the balls... OK...that's enough complaining. I hope you understand that I have to go through this to better understand the things that perhaps make me a little off-kilter from time to time. They'll pass. I'll have a great time in Scotland at my Bro's wedding. I'll have a ball moving into my new condo. Hell - there will even come a time when I stop the inordinate monthly payments. In the meantime. I look at the positives. I have great friends, who care about me and listen to me when I am like this. I know I'm being out of control and need to "cool it" There are those out there who continually make me smile. And make my heart glad that I know them. I have passions that I should and will concentrate on: I have my music. I have my golf. I have the "Rocky Horror Show" coming up... So I take absolute comfort in the above. The drinking thing stops. Ok... it cuts down to an acceptable level. I am a better, saner person than this. I know it. Thanks for listening.
   My life is rated NC-17. What is your life rated? |
